snap, crackle, pop

We had a relaxing morning and afternoon, just hanging around His apartment. I hadn’t been used in a couple days, so I was very horny all day. When I told Him this, He asked what specifically I wanted. I knew I was craving Him and His touch, but what else? He’s constantly pushing me to be more specific with my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs. Being that much in tune with myself is something I’ve been working towards for a while now, so it’s nice to have someone helping me do that, I honestly don’t keep on top of it enough. Hmm, but sometimes when I try to stay on top of it, I end up overthinking too much. But then again, maybe not. Maybe the overthinking is a product of trying to be logical about something I should know my feelings about, but I am not in touch with them. Either way, moral of the story, I need to be more conscious of my emotional self more often, and He wants to help me do that. Man, He’s such an awesome guy. Anyways, I digress. Knowing me so well, He asked if I wanted any bondage or beatings, which of course, sounded amazing. It had been a while since I’d had either, and I was definitely in the mood for being used and abused.

He introduced me to some new props during this session. He ended up naming them Snap, Crackle, Pop and the Tickler, but how we got to those names was quite the journey. Oh boy. The session started with stripping down and Him binding my wrists and forearms with rope. Rope feels so nice against my skin, it’s oddly comforting, familiar. Being bound is something I really enjoy, it quickly relaxes my mind and helps take me to that subspace where I can just let go of everything and attempt to be the best sub I can. I have a tougher time achieving this state when I’m not bound, although I feel I am getting better at it. For now though, binding seems to be a physical trigger for that state of mind, and I feel like I’m subbing at a higher level when bound as opposed to not. I’m not entirely sure why, although one explanation could be that it’s a physical reminder of the mental bondage and ownership I’m experiencing and should be aware of (Also, there’s no possible way of me attempting to top from the bottom when bound, as I have no physical control). Having the physical bondage helps propagate and solidify the feelings I experience in subspace that I’m not quite there with 100% otherwise. It gives me a tangible feeling to connect those attitudes to, a base to build them on. He also bound my legs and gave me a lead. The lead is something I never expected to be fond of. Not too long ago, I would have seen a lead as restrictive, misogynistic. I may have even gone as far as imagining myself controlling the lead. But I know better than that now. I could never be comfortable at the other end of a lead. I belong with the lead around my neck, and Him controlling it.

With my ass in the air, we played the name game with the new toys. I was tasked with observing the different types of pain and to describe them, ultimately giving each toy a name. I failed miserably at this. Unfortunately, pain makes me dumb. Really dumb. It makes me ridiculously wet, but ridiculously dumb. I couldn’t describe any of the differences between the toys He was hitting me with. I could certainly feel the differences, my brain could conceptualize them, but my tongue couldn’t name them, or even describe them. He got frustrated and named them for me, since about all I could say at the time was “fuck!” “shit!” “hurts” and “stings!”- all of course mixed with various noises of surprise, pain, pleasure and fear. So, now that I’m pain-sober, I’m going to describe them.

The first, which He named Snap, was a bit springy and very stingy. The surface area of impact was large, and the impact stuck to the surface levels of skin, probably showing up in shining red marks all over me. The second, Crackle, had more of a whipping action with a smaller surface area, but not pinpointed. It’s impact wasn’t as shocking, more solid. Pop was definitely a metal piece which hit me very deep, with almost a “thud” feeling every time it hit. The area was much more concentrated, which no doubt lead to the deep feeling. It was almost like being poked or prodded quickly. And that all brings us to the Tickler. *shudder* This one, despite the massive damage, was by far my favorite. The deep impact coupled with being spread over a larger surface area with a hot spot in the center was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Holy fuck did it hurt, but holy fuck, did it make me drip, actually, literally drip. Overall, the beating was a satisfying, incredibly intense experience which left me powerless to any treatment I received while being used.

It’s funny, because when we were chatting before the session, He was explaining pain sluts and how strongly they react to pain, how it’s often enough of a release for them. At that point, I didn’t see myself as a pain slut. I knew I am masochistic, that is easy to identify. But a pain slut? Nah, that wasn’t me. His pussy disagrees. When He was done beating me, I was the wettest I think I’ve ever been. So much so that He was laughing! I was laughing as well, the pain gave me such a high that my endorphins were running wild. I was having so much fun. Oh, it hurt. It hurt a lot. But I loved every second of it. The slow introduction to each of my new friends, the anticipation of the pain and differences, the twitching, squirming, all of it drives me to the edge. Hearing Him laugh and utterly enjoy it completed the whole picture. Being able to be in that moment of vulnerability with Him, and know we were both so thoroughly enjoying ourselves was magical, freeing. The idea of being able to provide that space for Him, in which He can be as happy as He sounded, lifts me up.  For most of it, I was able to laugh and smile through the pain, but it seems that was not acceptable to Him, as He put me in my place towards the end. He took the time to take some pictures of me, showing off my bruises, handprints and complete wetness. He seemed to enjoy that, I most definitely did. It is a special feeling to have someone be so engaged in you and the moment you’re in together.

After the pain, He used me from behind. Every movement of Him against me I could feel in my bruises, recapitulating the pain of the beating with every pump, sending mixed signals of pain and pleasure throughout my body, completely confusing it. In all of the intensity, I forgot to say thank you for all of the beautiful use, and He got upset. He pointed it out to me, and I stupidly shook my head. I didn’t mean any disrespect, I wasn’t trying to argue. I just meant to convey that I was stupid exhausted and that it wasnt true that I wasn’t enjoying myself. That head shake was rebellious though, and I certainly got punished for it. I got hit, my hair and lead were pulled roughly, and He sounded very angry with me, speaking harshly, directing my head in a nod to teach me the correct response. The whole thing couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds, but those seconds were full of feelings of being small, insignificant, and fear. He released His anger my shoving my head and smacking it hard. This punishment was what brought me to tears in this session. I’d been on the verge of them before this from the pain and laughter, but this changed the whole tone and brought out the tears. I felt so destroyed that I couldn’t even give myself the compassion to say “take note of this for the future” in that moment. All I felt was the disappointment in myself, the disappointment I caused Him, and so the tears came, filling my eyes while he continued to use me. The tears weren’t a negative experience though. The whole session had been so intense, that it was almost a relief to let them spill down my face. They told me that we were pushing my limits, both physically and mentally, and because of that fact, I just let the tears be what they were. There was no sadness, no pain behind them, they just were, and that’s what I let them be, and it was beautiful. Shortly after that He stopped and pushed me over onto my side on the bed. My body, my mind were so destroyed at that point that all I did was lay there, breathing, finding my balance. He undid my leg bounds, and then slowly, carefully took the rope off my wrists. The deliberation in that action was comforting. He left the lead on and laid next to me, and rewarded me with some stroking of my body, and took some pictures of me in recovery. I think they are beautiful pictures.

Unfortunately, we didn’t time the play well, and so there wasn’t much physical aftercare. I should have taken more time to just lay and come down, but instead I got up and started moving around, helping with laundry and dinner. I paid for that haste later. When He was out with milf, I started to feel a severe physical crash. The adrenaline was depleting, and my body felt shaky and almost empty. I would have very much prefered to be in His arms at that point, His warmth, cuddles and adoration giving me strength. At that moment though, I couldn’t be with Him, so I tried to do the best for myself, and move slowly, deliberately, maintaining even breathing and an awareness of my body. And then, on my way home, I got ice cream. Fuck yeah. I ate half of a fucking pint. No, I scarfed half a pint. That helped a lot. And being able to go back home to Him later, falling asleep in His arms, is always a safe, unassuming, authentic place.

Well, this was fun to write 🙂

risky business

Last night was another (what He called) “making love” type session. We had been discussing or dynamic, relationship and potential matters of the heart, when He apparently got frustrated with me and told em to take off my clothes and suck His dick. I was told not to talk unless I had something worth saying, and He asked me a few questions while I was sucking. He pushed me onto my back, and made me cum for Him in missionary. After that, He rewarded me with His talented mouth on my clit, I love it when He does that. I came again for Him easily, and He flipped me over to fuck and slap me from behind. He takes good care when hitting me, hitting different places and different ways. He did surprise me with the last slap. It was nice and hard with a bit of a sting and brought out a surprised whimper from me. It sounded like He enjoyed that. 🙂 He makes my whole body whimper. When He’s using me, I can’t stop moving- whether it’s shaking, squeezing, squirming, my body is always aching for His touch in whatever way He gives it to me. I could spend limitless hours with Him and my body would still be craving His touch, and I’d still be looking to please Him with it. Listening to His breathing, feeling His muscles move against me all gives me such a drive to satisfy Him. And when I do, I love seeing His face and hearing Him when He cums inside of me. It’s the highlight of my day, every time.

He gave two new protocols last night. One, I am to make myself available to be used at some point during every day. He may or may not use that time, but I need to offer it to Him. This one will be a challenge, as I’m quite a busy person and I am spontaneous with my plans. Second, 100 kegels a day, with a mandatory update on when I complete them. This one should be easier, but between the two and journaling, I’m guaranteed to be thinking about Him a lot. *side note from later in the day- yeah, 100 kegels is a lot. Whew.

I woke up this morning with some mixed feelings. I felt like our talk last night was contradictory, so I was trying to figure out what exactly He wants with me. Of course He wants the slave, but what else does He want? I’ve seen glimpses of His romantic side, but I feel like He’s guarding it, preventing it from really coming out. I feel like the position I’m in right now is holding Him back. I need some time and experience to figure out how He fits into my world as a whole, not just as a Dom (I don’t deserve to give Him His real title at this point), but as what type of partner? I feel the two sides are inextricably linked for me, but I’m unsure of how linked they are for Him. To give His heart, He needs to own me. But the way I’m comprehending that right now, it’s a huge leap of faith to give myself to him-body, mind and soul- with that still hidden away. Obviously, it’s a point that is in the future, and there’s lots of work to be done, but right now, its an uncomfortable risk for me. But maybe that’s just because I’m not ready for it yet. Which is ok, its understandable. Neither of us expects the other to have progressed that quickly into things at this point. Right now, it’s just me worrying about something in the future that may not even end up being a big personal risk. My trust has to be in Him until then, and I have to stop waiting for my past experiences to happen again, quit hiding behind the walls that were to protect me from the eggshells of my past. I want to believe everything He tells me, I know it’s all true, I can see it in the way He treats me. Now it’s just time to start believing it at my core.

all night long

I know He said He carefully planned out each session, but man am I impressed with the level of attention He pays to the details and how Im feeling. First off, He came over to my place because He wanted to work through the unintended consequences of how I was  feeling after our public session. That in itself was unbelievable. But what He did with the session, what He wanted me to experience during it was again, a level above and beyond. It wasn’t just sex to help me feel better, it was sex designed to make me feel better, and He cares enough to do that. On himself, he imposed blindness, nakedness for the night.

First, He had me undress Him, completely in the light in my space. I was instructed to keep my clothes on. He asked me where would be most comfortable for me. He then got on the bed, and while I was still clothed, I sucked His dick. I was very happy to be showing Him what I could do with my mouth. (Of course I’d like to think I’m pretty good at what I do). I was listening for cues to what He likes, what He enjoyed. Changes in breathing, anything He said, when He moved His arms or when His legs flexed. His penis is fun to roll around in my mouth, to play with and suck on. It wasn’t until He was ready for sex that He instructed me to take off my clothes. I did, and He let me be on top, and ride Him all the way to an orgasm. 🙂 I was on top of Him, the only one with vision, but He was still in control, and made sure I knew it by placing His hands on my hips to control the speed I moved at. Also at one point He pulled my hair all of the way back. It reminded me that even though I was on top, it was because He wanted it that way. Even so, this whole session felt focused on what some of my talents are and how I can use them to satisfy Him. He let me give Him an orgasm, and gave me the privilege of His cum inside of me. Watching Him cum, seeing the effect I had on His body was exhilarating. I wished He hadn’t imposed blindness on Himself, so that He could see the joy on my face. I don’t think I’ve smiled like that in so long. The happiness just flooded over me while watching Him cum. Feeling His whole body response, twitch and shake, tense and relax, was very satisfying for me. And, the aftercare was perfect. We cuddled the whole night after this. Sleeping in His arms felt very reassuring, safe, comfortable. I was so happy,  right there in his arms. He tried to get up and leave a few times, but I certainly wasn’t going to help Him. I was exactly where I wanted to be, and so of course I wanted Him to stay. He actually wants me there, in His arms all night. Believing that, knowing that, is calming. I fell asleep knowing that I was cared for, and that I was content with exactly where I was. There was no questioning it, which was such a relief after the day I’d had. To just accept that I was happy, and that was a perfectly okay place to be.

Again, I’m amazed at the level of thought He is putting into the sessions. He knew I was feeling like my life wasn’t all mine anymore, like I’d given up control of all of it, and so He responded with a session to show me His vulnerability, put me in a top position. He showed me that there’s power in being a sub, subbing is not an easy thing to do, and I should and can draw my own independence and strength from it. Being able to make Him orgasm gave me a lot of confidence in myself. It was a familiar way to serve for me, something I know how to do, something I could excel at. He knew I needed that familiarity, that sense of confidence in my own abilities.

I had no idea a d/s relationship could be so nurturing for the sub. Where I’ve dabbled before things have certainly been satisfying and tons of fun, but I was always being used physically, and what I might have needed emotionally was not taken into account, only the physical. This is a different experience. He thinks of all of it. Physical, mental, emotional. He’s constantly aware of where I’m at and where He wants me to be. I never thought I’d be able to give myself so completely to someone else, and His talk about it thoroughly scared me. But the more time I spend with Him, the more we talk, the more I see how much attention He pays, the less scary that notion is.

Whatever we’re gunna call this isn’t about needing the other person there. He’s capable of living his life and being perfectly happy without me, as I am without Him. I am not responsible for the betterment of His life and His happiness is not contingent upon me. That is a responsibility that is not on my shoulders here. (The more I say that, the more comfortable I’ll get with that idea).

just the beginning

We had met for the first time for late night drinks and a no-pressure chat. I’m not sure that I know what compelled me to say yes to going over to his place at bar close. Maybe it was curiosity, but about what, I don’t know. I was having a good time, we seemed to get along well, so I think I probably just figured hey, why the hell not. That tends to be my favorite reason for doing a lot of things these days, which I really enjoy. So far it’s lead to adventures I never expected to have (including this one).

He kissed me, grabbing a fistful of hair, establishing his dominance and my submission, instilling a sense of control, trust, and just enough tug for respect. This action immediately triggers a submissive response for me, I feel my whole body melting, my active consciousness slipping away into something much more passive. He set the protocols.

1. No talking unless given express permission or to convey emotional register/safewords

2. No looking at him

3. No noises of pleasure or pain

4. Must ask permission to cum

5. Naked at all times.

And then I was instructed to get naked.  I was very aware that he was watching me undress. After taking it all off though, I felt a relief. The act of undressing was much more uncomfortable than actually being undressed. He bound my wrists with a belt, tight but not uncomfortable, while placing another loose belt near my elbows. As soon as the blindfold went on, he placed a third belt loosely around my neck. Being unable to see and being unfamiliar with my surroundings was intimidating and was just a taste of being out of control. He began to lead me round the apartment. I was stepping with uncertainty, not knowing how to trust in the lead. His voice was soft and calming, talking me through the different surfaces I was feeling under my feet, and I was able to follow the lead more easily, confidently. He took me by surprise by pushing me onto the bed, completely out of the blue. I hadn’t known I was next to the bed, so when I felt myself falling, I had a brief moment of panic, unable to catch my own fall due to my bound arms. When I hit the bed I took a second to accept that there was no reason for panic. While he was instructing me on how to lay, he gave me the rule of no noises, to which I felt an immediate excitement, as I knew this would be a challenge. I was impressed with how well he already understood me, knowing I would be vocal without ever having touched me.

He rewarded me with light touching around my stomach, thighs. Heavy breathing and a quick tongue caressed my clit, coaxing it into coming out to play, which wasn’t very difficult. I could feel my skin respond to the touch and breathing; contracting and relaxing to the warmth, making my whole body shiver and shake. These light sensations made me very aware of the situation I was in- naked, blind, bound and completely at the mercy of him. But not once was I afraid, I was completely confident. I didn’t have any control, but I didn’t need it. Asking to cum feels natural, like that’s how it should always be, and hearing his “yes” just heightened the pleasure of it. I’m pretty sure the blindfold came off at several points, but it wasn’t needed, my enjoyment of the experience didn’t require sight, and it was easy to keep my eyes closed. The blindness was surprisingly easy. I think it took away the visual distractions and allowed me to quiet a piece of my analytical brain, giving me the opportunity to focus on my experiences and internal observations, rather than external.  Having my legs bound was a different experience. I didn’t feel as constrained, I felt much more individual freedom, which I was unsure of what to do with, I don’t think I used it at all.

Within the protocols, I was unsure of how to show my exhilaration. From the beginning I was completely excited, my  mental state never dipping back down anywhere close to neutral. Saying thank you when necessary didnt feel like enough, I felt the need to give more back, to show him how much I appreciated everything and make him feel the same. I couldn’t see him, so i don’t know if there was any  indications on his face to show if he was happy. He must have been.

There came a point where he chose to give me a choice of what I wanted to do next. I chose to cuddle I think because I wanted to come down a bit. I’d been exhilarated the whole session, which was fantastic, but exhausting and disorienting. So I wanted to calm the high a bit before jumping back in, give myself a way to be brought back up and get back on my feet. I wanted to reset so that I could maintain the level of quality of my role play. I think also it was that I needed the aftercare- the touching, talking, compliments, time to think a bit, as well as a way to get more feedback before completing the session. Everything that happened during this time was what I was looking for. Especially the compliments. I take pride in whatever I’m doing, and having someone else be proud of me as well means everything to me. Despite my lack of literary genius, to me, words are powerful and full of intention, they carry a lot of weight. The caring touch was also very powerful. It was reassuring and protective.  I found out during this break and after that he thinks I’m very special and have a lot potential. while i dont understand why he thinks that, as everything i did came very naturally, his words filled me with pride. His body makes me feel safe, small, protected and strong. His touch was comforting and concrete.

The orgasms were incredible. Yes, they were pleasurable for me, but having to ask permission made them not mine- they were for him.

On my walk home, I was very thankful for the suckers that were down in the lobby, I enjoyed that bit of sugar quite a lot. Between that and the birds chirping, I was in a very light-hearted, carefree mood. I chuckled when I caught myself smiling, as I’ve done several times since. Despite my lack of sleep, I was very chipper all day sunday as well.