Mentally, I’m feeling much better this week. While not still completely there, as I’ve got a lot of work to do, I’m feeling much more stable. I was much more focused at work, much more calm. Along with the mental work of processing what all happened, I think some of it might have to do with the SSRI I was weaning myself off of. (I had been on it due to my situation with my ex. I was in a spiralling depression, fighting with myself over if I was strong enough to leave, and how I’d be able to do it. The SSRI helped stabilize me and give me the strength to do what needed to be done. But you can’t just stop that cold turkey, it’ll make matters worse) I’d been taking a half dose every 2-3 days and during that time was when my mind was questioning and I felt very unsure, unstable, unmotivated in many aspects of my life. Overall, I was feeling very down on myself and I’d lost my confidence. These feelings wouldn’t be around every day though, and I often felt like some days I’d be ok, while others I’d be struggling, and the differences were drastic. After last weekend, I’ve stopped taking them all together, and I think it was about time. I don’t feel the mood swings I was experiencing before and I have some confidence and clarity returning. My motivation for improving my life and my relationships to work and other people is back, and I’m not feeling like I’m stuck in the downward spiral of the autopilot sub, that there is a way out and I can get there.
In my mood swings, whatever the reason they existed, I regressed quite a bit. I lost my confidence, I lost sight of our stability. I questioned everything, especially myself. I went heavily into autopilot mode, not putting in more effort into anything than I needed to. My productivity at work slowed, my motivation disappeared. I fell out of touch with my friends, and receding into myself. I lost my focus on my submission and was just going through the motions. It was a very disappointing time. And of course, none of this way helped by how hard I was being on myself. Instead of looking for a way to refocus, I spent a lot of time just beating myself up for not living up to my potential, for not being who I could or should be. I’m worthless when I’m in this state, well, both of these states. I’m much better off when I tell myself to shut up, suck it up, and figure it out. I’m much better when I have a plan, something tangible to hold onto or follow.
Last weekend, I expressed concern over becoming a doormat. I never meant to imply that Sir would turn me into a doormat, or that He’d let me become one and treat me that way. I meant I was concerned about becoming a doormat to myself, afraid of letting myself drift away into codependent land, where I lose my independence, my personality, my wants and needs. I become bitter, entitled and childish there. I was making choices in my daily life that I believed were for the best were focused on my immediate happiness and laziness. I wasn’t concerned with long term goals or happiness, just what was right in front of me. And so I chose to not take care of myself. I thought I was taking care of Sir during this time, that I was proving that I was a hard working sub and wanted to serve Him. But in not taking care of myself, the quality of my service slipped, and I went into autopilot. While I was happy in the moments I was serving Him, my service wasn’t quality and my head was not in the right place. I was kidding myself and holding myself back from being truly happy, from really benefitting from what I was doing. I was not earning my collar and actually, not earning my position as a sub with Sir. He deserves so much better than what I was giving Him. I took for granted everything He’s given me, everything He’s done for me. I am ashamed by it. I never meant to slip there, but I did.
When I made the comment, Sir was immediately (and rightfully) upset. He asked me to leave, and told me that I was not to act submissive to Him in any way, as that was not my role until I figured my shit out. I couldn’t argue with Him, and didn’t try hard enough to clarify, as I was so shocked to be hearing those words and immediately started falling. But I also didn’t want to seem weak, I didn’t want to try to sound desperate or needy in my explanation of what I was thinking. I felt that if I tried too hard to explain, to convince Him to let me stay because I draw strength from Him, from our dynamic, that I’d wind up talking myself into a hole and sounding pathetic. So instead, I tried not to argue. I tried to hold my head high. I probably didn’t do a very good job of it. But I didn’t want to be clingy. I wanted to attempt to stay strong. So I did as I was told, and I left. When I drove away, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Him again, I wasn’t sure if He’d ever give me a chance to prove that I can be a better me. I went home, and just sat on my bed for a little while to try to hold myself together. I easily could have let myself just sit there alone all day in my self pity. I was so angry at myself for fucking this up for no good reason. For just letting something so wonderful slip through my fingers because I was complacent. But I didn’t want to do that. What kind of a start would that be? So instead, I held myself together. I got a message from Switch, and he was wondering what I was up to. When he offered his company, I took it, knowing it would distract me from falling apart. Of course it wouldn’t distract me from what was happening, but at least it’d give me a tangible way to stay together. We talked a lot about nothing, about everything. He just listened and offered hugs, food and drinks. It was hard to admit my bad habits to him, to be honest and say I completely fucked up and was to blame. It was hard to admit that I had someone so great, right in front of me, wanting and helping me to become who I’m meant to be, and I had probably blown it. I was so remorseful of where I was, of what I had given up for complacency. I was so angry at myself.
And still, through all of my bullshit, Sir was concerned about me maintaining my sense of self. I could see that. No one has ever been that much in my corner before, no one has ever chosen the “tough love” approach to help me see what’s best, what’s right. As much as I wanted to convince Him to let me come back, I knew it wouldn’t work, and I thanked Him for what He’d done. He saw where I was, and wanted to make sure that I put myself first, that I figure myself out and learn to value that.
The next morning, my mind was a quiet storm. It wasn’t in a panic, wasn’t frantically spinning around trying to find a quick way back. I’d accepted that it wasn’t going to happen like that, and that there is no short cut out of this and back into His arms. And that I can’t try to find one. But also, I’d realized something. Despite the pain I’d felt from being asked to leave, I didn’t feel the need to stay. There was a want, of course. But not a need, not a desperate fear of being alone, need of acceptance and love from another person. I knew that even if I couldn’t ever be with Him again, that I’d be ok. This is the first time I’d ever felt that way towards someone I care about so deeply. The revelation shocked me. I have a great desire to be with Him, to please Him, comfort Him, provide Him with what He wants. But I didn’t feel the need to be attached to Him. None of my pain was due to a fear of being without Him, of being alone. That realization was a significant step for me. Knowing that I’d not only realized that my ultimate happiness isn’t tied to someone else, or who I am for them, that I can only create that and control it for myself, but that I’d truly engrained it in my mind, and reacted that way without having to remind myself of it. It was a milestone for me. Certainly a place to draw strength from for the brutally honest self-reflection I’d been doing.
I was surprised when I heard from Him that day, and was unsure as to what He was thinking. I was so relieved when I heard that He wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there. I didn’t think this would change the situation, but just knowing that He was there thinking of me, wondering how best to support me, was uplifting. Even though He was putting Himself through a tough time, it was for me. And I began to see that it was for us a little bit (although this lesson didn’t really stick until Thursday when we talked after work). I was so relieved when He asked me to come back over, it was the only place in the world I wanted (wanted, not needed) to be.
Stupidly, for the next few days, I felt like my return was conditional upon perfection, and I was nervous. I realize this isn’t true, that it was in my head. Yes, if I had shown no progress, no logical thought, He would have asked me to leave again. But as long as I was learning, making steps in the right direction, He was going to be there to support me. And He always will. He doesn’t walk away from people when it’s not justified. He cares very deeply about the people close to Him, and will always help them succeed if they’re willing to put in the effort. Unfortunately, my head was still not on straight, and I was doubting His commitment to what we have. When He suggested I formally make myself my primary relationship, I somehow got it in my head that it meant that what we had would have to diminish or dissolve. He wasn’t trying to say that. But it’s how I heard it, and instead of clarifying, I let it get in my head. When we talked about this, He was very upset that I wasn’t giving Him the benefit of the doubt, that I wasn’t trusting Him. And He was right. Why would He put so much energy into something if it wasn’t what He wanted? He wasn’t trying to justify a way out of our dynamic to me. He was trying to help me get to a mental state in which we could be sustainable. He doesn’t want us to disappear. He wants to be here with me, and proves that every day by the choices He makes. But that means that He wants to try to find a functional state in which we can both maintain the relationship, without sacrificing what we need to do for ourselves. I was forgetting all of His choices. I know by now that He won’t ever choose to do anything or say anything that He doesn’t mean wholeheartedly, that isn’t completely authentic. So my questioning of Him was completely unfair. He’s never done anything to suggest otherwise.
This is a lesson that I’ve thought about before Him, but apparently hasn’t become habit for me yet. Relationships don’t mean anything real unless they are based on exactly what the people involved truly want. If one is simply doing something to avoid conflict, deceive the other or any reason other than authenticity, then the relationship isn’t genuine. Sir has only ever shown me authenticity, straight from the first time we talked. That first email from Him should have been enough to prove that. What a risk it was! But it was completely, 100% Him, no matter the risk. I’ve lost sight of that recently. I’ve spent time doubting His decisions, His desires, His intentions. That is absolutely unfair of me to do, uncalled for. He spends time with me because He wants to. He talks to me because He wants to. He spends so much thought and effort on helping and taking care of me because He deeply cares, because the people He treasures mean everything to Him. Apparently I needed a reminder of what it means to be with someone so dedicated to their own authenticity. In this, the word “liberating” comes to mind again. He’s releasing me from having to doubt, to tease out His motivations. I never have to question them, because He’ll only act in a way that is genuine to Himself. In that, I trust and find comfort. And in that, I have to find inspiration for myself. To be so raw, so authentic with myself and those around me.
story of a submissive 