accept.

The doubt and insecurities are not worth the loss.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m losing here, and why. A lot of my thoughts have been focused on self-hatred and disappointment. I haven’t felt like I could trust myself to do the right things because my intentions haven’t matched my actions.

I haven’t been able to look at all of this from a positive point of view. I have had a hard time figuring out what that means, and how to implement it without hating myself. I’ve very much felt like I need to be self-deprecating in order to maintain the self-awareness necessary.

But really, it all comes down to one thing. Trust.

Scenario 1: I continue to hate myself, struggle with doubts and insecurities, and I lose him. I try to fight for him, but ultimately, with the pressure, I fail. Here, I lose the most thoughtful, kind, and supportive man I’ve ever encountered. I deeply hurt the man I love. I damage him. And I lose him forever. I have to live with what I did, and why, and how I lost the man I’m supposed to share my life with because I was a fucking insecure idiot. The potential loss here is enormous. It’s an entire life.

Scenario 2: I let it all go and never doubt him again. I get rid of the walls. I trust 100%, I genuinely commit myself. He’s never been disloyal to me, never given me a reason not to trust him. So, I give everything in. Never doubt, never question, never wonder. Because those thoughts are not logical. Not conceivable to him. They hold no credence. Here, what do I gain? A life of love, adventure, compassion. I gain everything.

And so, why has this been so difficult for me? Because I’ve been fighting it. Because I’ve been looking for the fight, the drama, all while expecting things to just right themselves with minimal effort from me. But that’s all bullshit. Why should it be a fight? Why should I have to struggle to let him love me? He does, he loves me so much, beyond my wildest dreams. And it’s past time to accept that.

In a simple pros and cons list, it’s unfathomable that I would continue to let doubts and fears get in the way. The potential love and life I gain by staying with him is enormous. The potential loss if I continue to fuck up is devastating. And even if I let him in 100%, and I get hurt down the line, that’s still worth the risk. Still worth the potential we have.

We are good. I just need to accept that. He won’t betray me. I need to accept that. He loves me. I need to accept that. And ya know what? I can. So fuck it. I trust him. I trust him with my life, and I trust him with my heart.

Accept.

Accept.

Accept.

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space

I made the decision to ask for my own space, and that’s what we’re doing. I’ll be turning the spare bedroom into my own. It’s much smaller than what he has. But, that’s ok. I don’t mind. I’ll be able to fit everything in there, and if not, I’ll seriously goodwill. He seems to be happy with this decision, and hopefully its a tool we can use to get back on the right track. Nontraditional relationships call for nontraditional problem solving. Yay!

Today, we go to Vegas. I’m a little nervous about it, as this week has been very physically distant. It feels ok though.. In the past, when we’ve had physical distance like this, it’s driven me crazy. But I’m actually ok with the space this week. Of course I miss him. I do a lot. But this has been healthy for me. Having my own space and running my own room has been good. I’m looking forward to coming back and actually shuffling stuff around so that I have my own space. So, that’s slightly weird.

I’m in a place where, I am expecting to feel (negative) things, but I’m not. I’m not feeling negative about the space, it’s making me feel hopeful. Vegas is not making me super nervous, I’m just going to relax, have fun, and pay attention.

I have increased my medications this week, so maybe that’s helping stabilize. I’ll keep an eye on it. I’ve definitely felt nauseous all week because of them. Although, I’m mostly back to eating normally. It’s easier to make myself eat. The beginning of the week was a major struggle. The stress shut down my stomach.

Moon has been incredibly helpful in processing all of this. She’s responsive and engaged, and super supportive. Everyone else I have been talking to seems to not be as available, which sucks. But I’m so grateful she’s around.

As far as my panicked writing from the other night… well, seeing the change, the difference a few hours and some alone time made in my tone… is pretty incredible. I don’t think I’m going to be able to completely avoid the panic and meltdowns for a little while, that takes time. But, it does seem that I can let them run their course, and then come back to things and look at them from a better perspective. So, now I have a concrete tool to be able to use in handling these situations. Let the mood run it’s course, write about it, and don’t do anything stupid during it. Revisit it later, and see where there were mistakes and take a second look at the assumptions and implications.

I’m really glad I’m writing again, as I think it will definitely help in making sure I spell out these tools as well as an outlet for negative feelings.

Ok, off to vegas, wish me stability!

writing

Last night, while laying in bed, I had a calming moment. Not quite an epiphany, but, for a second, it felt like the depression had cleared, and there was clarity. It was almost a release of the negative I’d been carry around all day, and an acceptance of the position i was in.

One of the questions Knight asked of me last night was “how did the writing process feel?” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. I was exhausted after being in a bad head space all day, and hadn’t analyzed the actual process of writing, as I was focused on what I wrote. But, after relaxing last night, and sleeping it off, I felt like the process of writing things down was overall positive.

When I’m in a bad head space, my thoughts race and its hard to focus on anything, hard to sort things out because everything is moving so fast. Having to focus on writing them down, even if there’s no processing happening, helped settle me both mentally and physically. The act of writing gave me something to focus on that wasn’t just an attempt to ignore the crap in my head. And it gave me a purpose, something to do in relation to them, instead of feeling helpless.

scared

Today is not a very good day in my head. I’ve been crying for most of work. And hating myself. Lots and lots of hate for myself. I’ve been living my life with this idea that i’m a good person, that i’m helpful and kind, and caring, empathetic, loving, reasonable, just… blah blah. And i’m not. I’m none of those things. Or at least, i can’t tell which of them i am, bc i’ve lied to myself about so many.

I’m scared to write this all down. Scared for Knight to see it. Because today, it’s all negative. I have nothing positive about myself to say, yet i need to stop coming at things from the negative, stop thinking and acting from the negative. Also, because my stream of consciousness is not filtered, it’s not analyzed or fixed. It’s raw, and it’s probably all bullshit, and there’s no time for me to fight it in my head and undo it, figure it out and work through it, to present a thought out answer. None of this is pretty, and he’s probably going to resent me more for it.

Knight talked with my sister today. Surprised me, and immediately scared me. My sister and I, yeah, not great on an intimate level. I have no idea what she’s said about me, or how she’s said it. I have no idea if it turned into a venting session bc she holds so much resentment towards me or if she was kind. Major anxiety over this. I’m not sure her honesty would inspire confidence in me. Which, i guess i have to face. A reality i have to swallow. But very scary. Apparently she said i’m strong though, which, surprises me. Bc i would have expected her to call me a coward for hiding behind my wall of lies i’ve built. And bc i don’t feel strong at all. It’s all fake strong. Bc clearly, i’m not strong. Clearly i can’t face anything difficult without avoiding, lying, denying. That doesn’t make me strong. That makes me fucking weak. That means that any strength i act with is all fake, it’s all a facade, nothing real. Just the fake, and the hurting, and the pushing people away.

No wonder I have few friends that stick around. They run from this bullshit. Can’t blame them. Just wish, I’d seen it. I’m too prideful though, too stubborn. Always finding ways to justify it being someone else’s fault. So why would they stay? They’re never right in my eyes, and can’t convince me im wrong, so it’s not worth it.

How can I not hate myself? After so many years of hurting people, such important, good people. I’m ashamed. And lost. I don’t know who i am, i don’t know myself. I can’t trust myself. How can i? When i had no idea the impact my actions had? Or even that i was fucking them up? My judgement is 100% wrong, and so i can’t trust anything that i thought i knew about me or any friend/relationship i’ve ever been in. am i just this huge ball of fake? Am i just a destructive force in other people’s lives? How could i not see these things? I’m really that fucking self involved that i don’t even notice. I’m losing my mind, and everything around me. Today, I feel like i just need to disappear, and resign myself to living alone. I can’t be trusted around others, to be close to other people. All i do is destroy. The slow, insidious destruction. People are better off without me around, without getting close to me.

I feel very overwhelmed as well. When we talk, everything seems to simple, just do this one thing better and it’ll help everything. But that one thing isn’t easy, it’s not even conscious for me, and it’s not just one thing. I have so much to fix, so much to improve. How can I ever possibly do it all? How can i ever possibly do any of it? And then, with a timeline… the pressure is enormous. I can’t give up, i won’t give up, but i’m struggling. Hard. i’m drowning. And i’m just not strong enough to swim.

In talking about some small pieces of this with Moon and Shiny today, they both brought up therapy. Either if I’m going or how much work i have to do. Those comments make me wonder if i should back off from talking to them, if i’m too much for them to handle right now, if i’m being selfish in taking their time and energy. Winnie doesn’t know what to say to me either. I’m pushing them away in the process of trying to reach out for support. Because i’m too much of a mess. Too broken. Too lost. Too stubborn and proud and ashamed, embarrassed. I want to pull back from them, bc i feel too overwhelming.

Or maybe its bc I don’t want to face things? I don’t want to have to talk them through? That’s not how i’m feeling. I want to talk through these things with them, that’s why i’ve reached out. But honestly, i can’t trust my intentions, so i have no idea. Just bc i’m not feeling that now, doesn’t mean it’s not a reason. I could totally be lying to myself right now, and i have no idea. I’m feeling crazy.

I’m feeling a lot like I did a couple of weeks ago with my panic attack. I’m trying to remember how i viewed it afterwards. I remember looking back and seeing a flaw in my logic, but i don’t remember what it was. I wish i could right now. I’ll keep trying i guess.

People keep telling me to be kind to myself. And its advice I give out to other people too… but i can’t today i’m having a really hard time with that today. How can i be kind to myself when i know that i cna’t trust myself? How can i allow myself some kindness when i will use that to justify being an asshole, or lying to the people i love? I don’t know how to take the responsibility i need to, and be that honest with myself, without being so hard on myself. I’m not trustworthy when im not feeling terrible about myeslf.

Random change of direction, but i proposed separate bedrooms today. We should have been doing it from the start, and its probably too late now. I’m probalby just proposing what he was already thinking “of course we’re going to sleep apart until you move out”… admittedly, that’s an assumption. But i guess that is basically what i’m proposing. As far as i know, he’s 100% sticking with the moving out thing, and so really, my proposal doesn’t make a difference, as it has no time to have an impact, and it may have already been decided. As far as him and i go though, he hasn’t said we’re past the point of no return. But he has said that any real shot i have at fixing us will have to happen after i move out. Well, so here’s the proposal, if it matters.

We should have been living in separate bedrooms. Neither of us have a space we control right now, a space of our own. So when we need alone time, it’s an awkward conversation that puts one person out of using their own room for a while. Yesterday we discussed the space thing a little bit, and I proposed 2 nights a week alone, rigidly scheduled. One in each room for each of us. It was a decent discussion, but he said last night that he’s not too worried about that issue, bc that can be easily solved.

I came back to it today, bc after talking with Switch, and thinking a lot, I think finding a way for us to live together with more space is a good starting point for me. Having our own bedrooms could help a lot with no only co-dependency but could help me gains some confidence and stability. It could help create small situations where i have to see that the space isn’t negative, and that he’s still around and still wants me.  He was happy to hear this proposal, although that’s about all he said on it. I suppose it’s not a top priority, and like i said, its probably a moot point now.

————————————————

Back after a few hours off. Now i’m mostly feeling exhausted. I need to finish this though, as i left myself a note to continue on-

He’s still trying to help me even tho he’s gone and wants me to move out

–so, this thought is a couple of things. First, a reminder of who he is. He’s the man who sends flowers on the day we’re fighting, the one who makes sure i have my security blanket with me on my first night alone, and the one who is still willing to help me through my depression, through all of this, even though he’s mostly sure he can’t be with me anymore. That’s all straight out of a fairytale. He’s always been my Knight in Shining Armor, and even now, he continues to be. Even when I’m the villain.

Ok, enough with the sappy analogies. Point is, he’s always been everything I could ask for, better than i could imagine, and deserving of every ounce of respect. I couldn’t hold on to that. I couldn’t remember that. Instead of holding on to those strong, powerful positive memories, i let the negative ones dictate my actions. And i have to take responsibility for that.

Second, a reminder to see situations from the positive, find the good in them, find his commitment in them. He could easily have shut me out, no questions asked. Just boom, done. He didn’t. He hasn’t. He’s still asking questions.

And third, it’s a reminder that he hasn’t put the nail in the coffin yet. This is a display of how hard this all is for him. Even though he’s numb, exhausted, and stretched beyond his limits, he is still working to figure things out, and make the right decision for himself. He’s still asking me questions, trying to figure me out. RIght now, my efforts to get healthy (and fix things) have the chance of not only meaning something to me, but meaning something to him as well. And i’m not giving up on that. Not until he tells me to.

Now, thoughts on what I wrote earlier.

Re: Sister. If she shared enough negative stories about me that it finishes this, I’ll have to take ownership of that too. They’re embarrassing, and I want to be mad at her for sharing them. But it’s not her fault i’m an ass. And she should be honest. I can’t ask her not to be. So, if that contributes to this breakup, then, i have to do some work with her (and my whole past) too.

Re: feeling like a panic attack. A few hours of taking my mind off of things helped calm me down. I’m not spinning anymore. I’m just tired and sad and calm. Reality is setting in, I’m mapping out my room in my head, seeing what I want to do with it.

Re: bedrooms. Sitting in “my” room has calmed me down, and planning it out too. The idea of my own space is growing on me, and I actually kind of like it. It’s not a traditional living arrangement. But then again, nothing about us or our relationship really is. So I need to be more willing to throw out old assumptions about relationships and how they operate, and open to new, creative ideas to find something that works.

And now, i’ve definitely missed my curfew, and will be up late again. I’m sorry, my Knight. Today has been rough for me, but this evening is better. This evening is calmer. More accepting, less panicky.

6 became 7

So far, so good. I think.

Even through all of this, Knight continues to amaze me. Despite being literally one foot out the door on Sunday, he’s giving me a real chance at fixing this. He’s not doing the whole “you’re in the doghouse until I’m satisfied” routine (which I feel almost NEVER works for anyone, due to the eggshells). He’s giving us a chance to live normally together, be normal together, and see how I handle myself and situations in that context. He’s not making me be perfect in a high stress situation before he smiles or laughs or loves. I’m constantly impressed with him.

Yesterday I had my first therapy session with, uh, let’s call her Psych. I’m always nervous about new therapists, as you gotta jump through the hoops, and catch em up on all the backstory and your entire history before jumping in to the meat of things. And then, you don’t even know if they will be a good fit until like, 4 sessions in. Anyways. The first session was fine, except that I have to walk back up a stupidly steep hill to get to the bus to go back to work. WHOOPS. Yay burny thighs.

Side note: I absolutely have no problem admitting my depression to friends/coworkers and am happy to say that I am going to therapy now. However, I’m finding that when they ask about it, or how it went, I really don’t have much to say. Hm. Shrug.

So, here’s the 6 7 steps. I’m actually adding one more after my therapy yesterday, and I’ll expand on my thoughts about each one and how it’s going this week.

Actively treat my depression and develop a long term care plan. This includes taking care of both my mental AND physical health. Yesterday I had my first therapy session, and on Monday I started an increased dose of citalopram, as my primary doc prescribed. I’m checking in with her tomorrow morning, but also have a psychiatric appointment (at the same place my new therapist is at) in about a week and a half, so we can discuss more in depth about medications and what is best for me. In therapy, we made note to discuss ways to get a hold of uncontrollable thoughts and combat them, as I really think this is one of my main issues. The irrational thoughts pop up, and then they take over and start to dictate my behavior. No bueno. So, we’ll talk more about that next week.

My physical health is going to be a challenge to deal with as well. The plan was to start exercising this week. However I seem to have strained a very important muscle in my lower back, and so that’s on hold. Sports med doc said it’ll take about 4-6 weeks to heal, and that I should do PT for it as well. YIKES. If the PT has to be during the day, I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it, as I already have to take off work for my brain… I digress. I’ll take it easy while I’m healing, but I need to get on an exercise schedule. The second step will be improving my eating habits. I don’t feel like I’ve been overeating this week, but I do feel like I’ve been craving carbs, and giving in. So, that’ll be the first thing to tackle in this area.

Cognitive behavior therapy to stop my depressive thoughts and insecurities in their tracks. I imagine this will be one of the things that I’m going to discuss with Psych next week and in the future. As of right now, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t go to Knight to deal with any lonely feelings or slight paranoia. I know that he is feeling overwhelmed and a bit smothered, and that he needs alone time when de-stressing, so I’m trying not to infringe upon that for no reason. This was particularly difficult tuesday night, although I was able to spend the evening mostly in a separate room from him. I was feeling lonely, slightly paranoid and snoopy, but was able to talk myself through it. (And I will admit, I was fairly high most of the night). But I binged Supernatural and fell asleep. I survived, and he still came to bed with me.

Rely on my support network.

Re-read the staple poly books and re-internalize their logic.

Think before acting.

Trust in Knight.

Ask Knight what HE NEEDS for support (not what you think he needs) and deliver.

tangibles

Talking to myself (and support) and falling asleep with Knight on Sunday helped solidify a lot of things in my mind. It was a bit of a switch for me, I hadn’t realized how disconnected from his viewpoint I was, and how much it was hurting him. I was so offended by the thought that I was hurting HIM, that I couldn’t see how much he was going through for the sake of staying together.

He’s asked me so many times to put in the work, that he can’t fix it all himself. He’s followed through on so many requests, despite them not being solutions to the problem at hand. And I just expected his efforts to make a difference. But they never could, and I continued to ask for more. The problems were all in my head, all in my depression, and so the energy he put in, I never got out. I thought I was making progress, by identifying things he could do, but really they were just covers. Always addressing the symptoms, never the underlying disease. And so it grew.

I could rant on about that forever, but that’s not really the point here. The point is to talk about how I’m addressing things differently this time. I NEED to be different this time, as he’s tapped out and can’t hold this pattern any longer. I either address the depression, or lose him for good. I REFUSE to go down without a fight. I REFUSE to let my depression take him from me. There’s a reason I call him Knight. And we have something worth fighting for.

So what am I going to do? Well, like the good little scientist I am, I’ve distilled it down into 6 major points that I’m going to work on addressing. It is A LOT of work, but it doesn’t all have to be perfect in an instant. Progress is what matters. Progress will keep us alive.

  1. Actively treat my depression and develop a long term care plan.
  2. Cognitive behavior therapy to stop my depressive thoughts and insecurities in their tracks.
  3. Rely on my support network.
  4. Re-read the staple poly books and re-internalize their logic.
  5. Think before acting.
  6. Trust in Knight.

epiphany

So, Knight and I are in a rough patch. You could say the roughest patch. I’m just one wrong step away from blowing it all. Long story short, stress and depression have contributed to my insecurities and demands running amok and ruining things. My inability to control my depressive thoughts and insecurites, despite him doing everything I’ve asked for, (even when it’s more than he’s asked of me), has left him hurt, exhausted and jaded.

It all came to a head over the last week and weekend really. Yesterday, he gave up. He is so exhausted of fighting, and waiting, and not seeing progress. So he made the decision that he’s done. And I, of course, threw my normal pity party.

My normal pity party consists of being obscenely offended that he’s calling me out for hurting him. I get so butthurt that he could think I would do something intentionally to hurt him. I get so wrapped up in my own pain, my own disgustingness, that I forget about his pain.  I have refused to hear him crying for help, and I haven’t accepted the reality of the situation. I didn’t see his trust in me and my word deteriorate, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t putting the effort in to fix things. I’ve said “yes, I’ll change” and then made no effort. Every time I beg and panic, in desperation, for him to stay because he loves me. It’s stupid and short sited. Selfish, prideful and stubborn.

So, when he gave up yesterday, I busted out the tears and threw myself a party. No one came. I barely even showed up, because even I’m tired of the same fucking party. I spent the afternoon showing an out-of-town friend, Trixie, around town before she had to catch her plane. It gave me some space and some time to contemplate, but also in a place where I didn’t really want to break down completely. I went numb, and sat in that for a while. When I got home, I found him numb as well.

We chatted, a bit. But it was one of those slow, methodical chats where everyone is just exhausted, and all we want to know is why. These conversations can be good, but they’re also quite painful. We actually had this conversation while lying in bed, if that gives you an idea of how tired we were. He finally got to the question of “what could you possibly do to make this better? How do you even try to fix it?”. Which, is a great question, and really shows how exasperated he is with me. I took a few deep breaths, thought about it, and started to answer. However, at some point during my response, he fell asleep. In that moment, something changed for me.

As I listened to his breathing change, and watched his body relax, I noticed just how much stress he was carrying. He drifted off to a happier place, to a safer place, and I realized that I wasn’t that place for him anymore. It was an epiphany moment for me, to see him so quiet, to just watch him sleep. I understood that I hadn’t really paid attention to him lately. I hadn’t stopped to listen to him, to see him. I’d plowed right through everything he had been going through over the last several months, and completely taken him for granted.

I watched him, and listened to his breathing for quite a few minutes. It was the most calm and clear I’d felt in a long time. Here was the man I love, and who loves me deeply, and I was about to piss it all away over stubbornness. He had put himself through months and months of my bullshit. And why? Because he. loves. me. Because he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving. And here I was, always pushing him further away. So much pushing that he finally broke.

I went to take a shower/bath and collect myself. I spent close to two hours in the hot water, talking with some of my friends. I finished my pity party, and put my big girl pants on. These conversations helped me solidify my thoughts, and plans for moving forward, and helped me understand where he is at. I needed to create a list of tangible things to work on, I don’t do well with the intangible. I needed direction. I was grateful to fall asleep next to him last night, listening to his breathing, taking notice that he was next to me, where he’s always been, whether I’ve noticed it or not.

Bedtime story

It’s time to get ready for bed
and imagine I’m sucking your cock.
I’m going to tell you the whole story
about how much I want you deep in my throat.
A story of how I want to look at you from my knees,
and take you into my mouth slowly.
Playing with my tongue,
and sucking you into the back of my throat.
Are you ready for the story?
Yes.

Slowly, in and out, while your hips guide me,
my lips gliding along your hard cock.
Your hands in my hair,
making sure I’m a good girl
and take all of you with every thrust.
I miss your blowjobs so much.
My hands are behind my back, and my butt starts to wiggle.
There’s gonna be a wet spot on the floor from this one.
I close my eyes and enjoy the taste of
your pre-cum,
licking my lips and swallowing,
making sure I get every drop.
You’re not allowed to get fucked tonight.
My eyes flash open at those words.
I look up to you, pleading with my gaze,
but never letting up the sucking,
knowing that if I do,
I certainly won’t get to cum.
No fucking.
You just get to suck my cock until I cum.
I shift a bit, so my cunt rubs against my legs better,
and I smirk a bit.
I’ll allow this.
My eyes are closed again, floating away
with the filling sensation of you in my mouth,
and now the weak pressing on my clit,
making me hungrier for more.
I can’t stay quiet.
Moans are escaping my throat as you push in to it.
I love feeling your mouth on my cock
A bit of drool collects on the side of my moth.
I quickly lick it up and redistribute.
Sloppy blowjobs…
You wrap your fingers tightly in my loose hair,
and push slowly, firmly.
You keep pushing.
Until I’ve swallowed you.
I look up into your eyes,
starting to struggle a bit
because I’m breathing in your cock.
You hold me there,
just long enough for me to get wide eyed.
Just long enough for you to show me who is in charge.
And as you pull my head away,
you hear me gasp.
Drool drops from my mouth,
down my chin and onto my lap,
slowly dripping down my thigh.
I thought you said you couldn’t do this!
I smile, a coy one at first,
but then one of excitement, desire, pleasure.
This is very good.
A smile that can only say
this mouth belongs around your cock.
My dick belongs in your mouth.
Mmmmm.
I moan for you, butt wiggling and face eager
I can’t handle the suspense anymore
and I lean forward,
taking you into my sloppy mouth again.
This time isn’t slow and sensual.
This time, I’m not looking to impress
or caress
I grab you from behind,
shoving you deep.
I want to cum in your mouth.
I can’t get enough of you,
moving in and out so quickly
Your hips start to move on their own,
fucking my dripping face over and over.
My moans get louder.
My eyes begging for your cum
My makeup is starting to run,
my eyes are watering.
With very thrust I gag a little,
feeling you slam into the back of my throat
But I can’t escape.
You’re holding my head in place.
And I don’t want to.
The puddles on my legs are growing.
One on my thigh,
from my drool
and one on the back of my legs,
that gives away how much I love to be used,
how much I love to be fucked.
Make me cum.
I know you can make me cum.
My hand works its way up your thigh
I give you balls a quick rub,
acknowledging that they’re full and ripe for cumming.
you better make me cum in your mouth
And then my fingers find your little spot
that one deep behind your balls
that one that makes your eyes roll back.
And I start to massage.
A firm and slow massage
All while I’m rolling your hard dick around in my mouth.
In and out, sucking and squeezing.
My tongue finds your tip,
and I tease it gently.
Adding contrast to the fucking just a few seconds before
I can no longer keep my eyes open,
and can no longer try to stay quiet.
I let go of all inhibitions.
The only thing that exists is your dick,
deep in my mouth.
My head moves quicker,
my fingers still massaging and guiding you
in and out.
My hands grip your hair tighter.
I can feel it getting ready.
My mouth gets even wetter,
drool everywhere,
drowning your cock.
My tongue and lips, so quickly gliding.
I can feel you stiffen
I can feel the tension build inside you.
The closer I know you are, the faster I go,
and the more my hips circle,
trying desperately to get some rubbing of their own
I don’t fight you.
Your firm grip holds me.
Restrains me.
Guides me.
I do my job and open wide.
I’m just about to cum… don’t stop… please don’t stop.
Letting you hit the back of my throat,
gagging me.
Fucking and using your mouth.
The mouth that belongs where it is.
The mouth that is your toy,
your cumhole.
I’m begging you for your cum.
Every inch of my body begs.
Every piece of my soul begs.
I try to grab your ass with my free hand.
Taking you deep, every time.
Keeping you deep,
so you’re never outside of me.
Yes. I’m cumming!
My tongue licks up and down.
Swallow it all.
Coaxing all your cum into my mouth.
I swallow without releasing you.
Holding your cock in my warm mouth,
not wanting to let it go.
I’m shaking just a little bit.
I slowly, gently clean all your cum off your cock,
and swallow it all.
I guide you to sit on the bed and lay back.
Mmm yes.
While I lick all the extra drool from your balls.
And use my hand to clean my face,
making sure that all makes it to my mouth as well.
I’m still on my knees and your hand reaches around,
feeling how wet your cunt is.
I smile again,
this time hoping for a deep kiss
to help chase away your shivers.
Yes to post blowie kisses, always.
As I kiss you, I melt into your arms,
and cuddle onto your chest.
Both of us exhausted
I’ll squeeze you tight against me.
Your cunt is still dripping.
You’re allowed to touch yourself.
More big kisses for you!
I get to cum hard for you now?
Since I was a good sub?
Yes, you do.
Want to taste?
Of course.

well, hello there

I have no idea what urge has brought me back here, but what can I say, here I am. It seems that I left this blog at a time of uncertainty, and left my story incomplete. Or, at least with an unsatisfactory ending. Very much has changed, and life is soaring.

TLDW: (too long, didn’t write!)

  1. My old dom is gone and my wounds are healed. Triggers don’t put me on edge anymore, and I haven’t spoken to him in over a year and a half. This is the way I want it. That dynamic hurt me greatly, and took a very long time to recover from. But, I have found my ground, and I am now myself.
  2. Switch is still a faithful partner, although our relationship has changed a bit. He’s a valuable friend and occasional play partner. I’m so grateful that nonmonogamy has allowed us to take expectation out of our relationship, as it seems to change quite a lot (at least from my end). While it’s a consistent presence in my life, it hasn’t been stable for a while. And I’m not sure what to do about that.
  3. The mysteriously charming Wax is now, and has been since New Thresholds, my Knight. We were instantly hooked, and have grown together to create a loving, exciting dynamic that shows no signs of slowing down. We’re roughly 18 months in, and I’m still melting every day. I’ve finally learned what it means to love, and be loved in return. We’ve moved in together this week, and I’m very much looking forward to what the future holds for us.

Maybe it’s that excitement that has brought me back here. I’m currently on a plane to visit Xenon- she moved across the country for a new job back in March- and it’s the first time all week I’ve had time to myself to just sit and think. Decompression after moving. And while it was a stressful couple weeks, that stress was shallow and short lived. A few hours to myself, of forced nothingness, and I’ve made a full recovery.

I told myself I was going to write on my flights- write emails, write recaps, write my projects for work. I did not expect to find myself writing this. But, I suppose this is a good turning point in my life, and it’s a good time to pick up writing again. A new journey began with an ending, and now, it continues on to its second chapter.

I’m so friggin excited. 🙂

purge

Here is a list of my journals I’ve gone back and added, ones that I had either kept private from him, or ones that I had written after he had asked me to stop posting them. Most of them show a lot of pain. I’m sad that I didn’t listen to myself in them when I was writing. Live and learn I suppose.

So here is my heart and soul, my painful journey of my first D/s come and gone. It was a journey I’m glad I took, but not one that was easy. It left me broken and battered, but also stronger and more self-aware. And I’m finally purging all of it.

fragile

rope

unsure

at odds

nerves

redefine

training

walls

assignment

undesirable

illusion

take me over

New Thresholds

aftermath

anxious

freedom

He can’t touch me anymore.