Today is not a very good day in my head. I’ve been crying for most of work. And hating myself. Lots and lots of hate for myself. I’ve been living my life with this idea that i’m a good person, that i’m helpful and kind, and caring, empathetic, loving, reasonable, just… blah blah. And i’m not. I’m none of those things. Or at least, i can’t tell which of them i am, bc i’ve lied to myself about so many.
I’m scared to write this all down. Scared for Knight to see it. Because today, it’s all negative. I have nothing positive about myself to say, yet i need to stop coming at things from the negative, stop thinking and acting from the negative. Also, because my stream of consciousness is not filtered, it’s not analyzed or fixed. It’s raw, and it’s probably all bullshit, and there’s no time for me to fight it in my head and undo it, figure it out and work through it, to present a thought out answer. None of this is pretty, and he’s probably going to resent me more for it.
Knight talked with my sister today. Surprised me, and immediately scared me. My sister and I, yeah, not great on an intimate level. I have no idea what she’s said about me, or how she’s said it. I have no idea if it turned into a venting session bc she holds so much resentment towards me or if she was kind. Major anxiety over this. I’m not sure her honesty would inspire confidence in me. Which, i guess i have to face. A reality i have to swallow. But very scary. Apparently she said i’m strong though, which, surprises me. Bc i would have expected her to call me a coward for hiding behind my wall of lies i’ve built. And bc i don’t feel strong at all. It’s all fake strong. Bc clearly, i’m not strong. Clearly i can’t face anything difficult without avoiding, lying, denying. That doesn’t make me strong. That makes me fucking weak. That means that any strength i act with is all fake, it’s all a facade, nothing real. Just the fake, and the hurting, and the pushing people away.
No wonder I have few friends that stick around. They run from this bullshit. Can’t blame them. Just wish, I’d seen it. I’m too prideful though, too stubborn. Always finding ways to justify it being someone else’s fault. So why would they stay? They’re never right in my eyes, and can’t convince me im wrong, so it’s not worth it.
How can I not hate myself? After so many years of hurting people, such important, good people. I’m ashamed. And lost. I don’t know who i am, i don’t know myself. I can’t trust myself. How can i? When i had no idea the impact my actions had? Or even that i was fucking them up? My judgement is 100% wrong, and so i can’t trust anything that i thought i knew about me or any friend/relationship i’ve ever been in. am i just this huge ball of fake? Am i just a destructive force in other people’s lives? How could i not see these things? I’m really that fucking self involved that i don’t even notice. I’m losing my mind, and everything around me. Today, I feel like i just need to disappear, and resign myself to living alone. I can’t be trusted around others, to be close to other people. All i do is destroy. The slow, insidious destruction. People are better off without me around, without getting close to me.
I feel very overwhelmed as well. When we talk, everything seems to simple, just do this one thing better and it’ll help everything. But that one thing isn’t easy, it’s not even conscious for me, and it’s not just one thing. I have so much to fix, so much to improve. How can I ever possibly do it all? How can i ever possibly do any of it? And then, with a timeline… the pressure is enormous. I can’t give up, i won’t give up, but i’m struggling. Hard. i’m drowning. And i’m just not strong enough to swim.
In talking about some small pieces of this with Moon and Shiny today, they both brought up therapy. Either if I’m going or how much work i have to do. Those comments make me wonder if i should back off from talking to them, if i’m too much for them to handle right now, if i’m being selfish in taking their time and energy. Winnie doesn’t know what to say to me either. I’m pushing them away in the process of trying to reach out for support. Because i’m too much of a mess. Too broken. Too lost. Too stubborn and proud and ashamed, embarrassed. I want to pull back from them, bc i feel too overwhelming.
Or maybe its bc I don’t want to face things? I don’t want to have to talk them through? That’s not how i’m feeling. I want to talk through these things with them, that’s why i’ve reached out. But honestly, i can’t trust my intentions, so i have no idea. Just bc i’m not feeling that now, doesn’t mean it’s not a reason. I could totally be lying to myself right now, and i have no idea. I’m feeling crazy.
I’m feeling a lot like I did a couple of weeks ago with my panic attack. I’m trying to remember how i viewed it afterwards. I remember looking back and seeing a flaw in my logic, but i don’t remember what it was. I wish i could right now. I’ll keep trying i guess.
People keep telling me to be kind to myself. And its advice I give out to other people too… but i can’t today i’m having a really hard time with that today. How can i be kind to myself when i know that i cna’t trust myself? How can i allow myself some kindness when i will use that to justify being an asshole, or lying to the people i love? I don’t know how to take the responsibility i need to, and be that honest with myself, without being so hard on myself. I’m not trustworthy when im not feeling terrible about myeslf.
Random change of direction, but i proposed separate bedrooms today. We should have been doing it from the start, and its probably too late now. I’m probalby just proposing what he was already thinking “of course we’re going to sleep apart until you move out”… admittedly, that’s an assumption. But i guess that is basically what i’m proposing. As far as i know, he’s 100% sticking with the moving out thing, and so really, my proposal doesn’t make a difference, as it has no time to have an impact, and it may have already been decided. As far as him and i go though, he hasn’t said we’re past the point of no return. But he has said that any real shot i have at fixing us will have to happen after i move out. Well, so here’s the proposal, if it matters.
We should have been living in separate bedrooms. Neither of us have a space we control right now, a space of our own. So when we need alone time, it’s an awkward conversation that puts one person out of using their own room for a while. Yesterday we discussed the space thing a little bit, and I proposed 2 nights a week alone, rigidly scheduled. One in each room for each of us. It was a decent discussion, but he said last night that he’s not too worried about that issue, bc that can be easily solved.
I came back to it today, bc after talking with Switch, and thinking a lot, I think finding a way for us to live together with more space is a good starting point for me. Having our own bedrooms could help a lot with no only co-dependency but could help me gains some confidence and stability. It could help create small situations where i have to see that the space isn’t negative, and that he’s still around and still wants me. He was happy to hear this proposal, although that’s about all he said on it. I suppose it’s not a top priority, and like i said, its probably a moot point now.
Back after a few hours off. Now i’m mostly feeling exhausted. I need to finish this though, as i left myself a note to continue on-
He’s still trying to help me even tho he’s gone and wants me to move out
–so, this thought is a couple of things. First, a reminder of who he is. He’s the man who sends flowers on the day we’re fighting, the one who makes sure i have my security blanket with me on my first night alone, and the one who is still willing to help me through my depression, through all of this, even though he’s mostly sure he can’t be with me anymore. That’s all straight out of a fairytale. He’s always been my Knight in Shining Armor, and even now, he continues to be. Even when I’m the villain.
Ok, enough with the sappy analogies. Point is, he’s always been everything I could ask for, better than i could imagine, and deserving of every ounce of respect. I couldn’t hold on to that. I couldn’t remember that. Instead of holding on to those strong, powerful positive memories, i let the negative ones dictate my actions. And i have to take responsibility for that.
Second, a reminder to see situations from the positive, find the good in them, find his commitment in them. He could easily have shut me out, no questions asked. Just boom, done. He didn’t. He hasn’t. He’s still asking questions.
And third, it’s a reminder that he hasn’t put the nail in the coffin yet. This is a display of how hard this all is for him. Even though he’s numb, exhausted, and stretched beyond his limits, he is still working to figure things out, and make the right decision for himself. He’s still asking me questions, trying to figure me out. RIght now, my efforts to get healthy (and fix things) have the chance of not only meaning something to me, but meaning something to him as well. And i’m not giving up on that. Not until he tells me to.
Now, thoughts on what I wrote earlier.
Re: Sister. If she shared enough negative stories about me that it finishes this, I’ll have to take ownership of that too. They’re embarrassing, and I want to be mad at her for sharing them. But it’s not her fault i’m an ass. And she should be honest. I can’t ask her not to be. So, if that contributes to this breakup, then, i have to do some work with her (and my whole past) too.
Re: feeling like a panic attack. A few hours of taking my mind off of things helped calm me down. I’m not spinning anymore. I’m just tired and sad and calm. Reality is setting in, I’m mapping out my room in my head, seeing what I want to do with it.
Re: bedrooms. Sitting in “my” room has calmed me down, and planning it out too. The idea of my own space is growing on me, and I actually kind of like it. It’s not a traditional living arrangement. But then again, nothing about us or our relationship really is. So I need to be more willing to throw out old assumptions about relationships and how they operate, and open to new, creative ideas to find something that works.
And now, i’ve definitely missed my curfew, and will be up late again. I’m sorry, my Knight. Today has been rough for me, but this evening is better. This evening is calmer. More accepting, less panicky.