Mmm. Wax is turning out to be a lot of fun. He works nights, and so during the week it’s tough to see him. A couple times we’ve managed for a “lunch break” booty call though and damn, last night was hot. He came over in the middle of the night and woke me up. I can’t even put all of the events into a cohesive order, it’s all a blur. But there was urgency and patience, gentleness and roughhousing. It was one of those nights where you wake up in the morning, and all the two of you can talk about is how much you enjoyed every piece of it. It’s really put me in a much better mood than the last couple days.
I feel a connection to him. I wasn’t sure about meeting him at first, honestly didn’t know if i’d be attracted to him outside of conversation and didn’t want to disappoint, as our conversations had gotten quite intense. But the attraction of the mind is a wonderful thing, and I was concerned about nothing.
I had a trigger moment the other night when talking to Wax. I’m not sure why it happened, maybe just because I was sleepy, but the guy is awesome and walked me through it. He was talking about how much he enjoys giving my legs attention during sex and my response was “you at least make me believe you appreciate all of me. For now anyways”, which was a horrible thing to say. He took it in stride and didn’t get offended, but I apologized for projecting past relationships onto him. We talked about it for a while, which i don’t think was what he wanted to do (of course, who wouldn’t rather talk about eating pussy). I realized that I am still trying to reconcile trusting myself in relationships, and dealing with mental vulnerability. He knows that when we met, and even still, that I’m still working shit out, still a bit broken and battered. He doesn’t care. But I do, and I’m having a hard time letting myself just be. I’m worried about jumping into things too fast (just in general) and getting hurt again, not being able to protect myself.
Luckily, Rosemaster checked in with me the next day. I’m still having some frustration at not getting the time to close things up with him, to completely shut that door.
—-
have i mentioned how much i love Florence and the Machine?
“And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me,”
No
And this pandora station is killing it. LOVE.
“I hate to break it to you, babe
But I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save”
King of Anything, Sara Bareilles
story of a submissive 