undesirable

I think when we restructured and the sexual/pain sessions became few and far between, I felt rejected. From my perspective, i’d given you complete sexual control over me and my body, and those sessions were always very deeply personal, very much trying to find my limits and push my boundaries. I felt like they were accessing a space in me that was at my core.  I went places no one else had ever seen before, including myself, and i felt like you were there with me. I (obviously) enjoyed them quite a bit. Not just for the pain, or the pleasure, but also the authenticity of them, for the connection i felt to you because of them. For your reasons these types of sessions started to disappear, and I felt rejected. Not only in my body, but like I’d been rejected at the core.

It’s not a feeling I’m proud of, I’d like to think I can logically walk through the change and that’d be enough to eliminte these feelings, but i haven’t been able to work through them. I felt as if we’d gone somewhere so raw and personal together, and then you changed your mind and didn’t want to go there with me anymore, and i felt like I had somehow become undesireable as a person. I felt like there was something wrong with me to my core and thats why you backed off. At the time these weren’t conscious thoughts, but it’s something i’ve come to in my thinking lately as to why I’ve started putting my walls back up, creating the fantasy, why I’m acting like I need to protect myself.

I think I’m starting to see that this fantasy I create is a defense mechanism, something to protect me and give me an out if I feel I’m hurting that gives the illusion of protection and allows me to avoid feeling the responsibility and the pain, the “logic” being taht if there’s something wrong with the world around me, then it’s not something wrong with me.  Here, I felt rejected after sharing that exposed personal space and don’t have the skills to address it and cope, to understand it any differently. So instead, I felt broken and tried to hide that, tried to hide the faults away from myself and from you, and i put them behind the curtain of the fantasy. There, I didn’t have to feel that rejection because the problem was somewhere other than me. I didn’t have to take responsiblity for anything.

It seems to be a vicious circle. Because of the fantasy I’d built, a lot of the restructuring has felt like being demoted, rejected. I wasn’t prepared to take responsibility and learn from what was happening. And because i can’t handle facing myself and my faults, I hide behind the fantasy even more, not facing why the changes are happening and what I should be working on, but instead avoiding the issues. And so it continues.

I’m not sure where or when the fantasy got started. It is probably a tactic I’ve used for a long time and never realized it. A way to convince myself that I’m a stronger person than I really am, but it avoids actually building my emotional strength, and i just pretend its there. It’s a way to keep people away, to not let myself get hurt or take responsibility for myself or anyone else. I place a lot of value on competency, independence, and resilence. I also want to display these things to other people, prove that i’ve got my shit together and I’m that incredibly strong person.  And so I pretend to be those things, I fake them, and in that, don’t actually become them because I don’t put in the work to deal with my issues. Instead I convince myself that the issue isn’t internal.

This all keeps coming back to the fact that I don’t want to take responsibility for myself. But why? If i want to be all of these things, why would i not put in the authentic work that needs to be done to become them? Why do I settle for just pretending? Because I’m arrogant and lazy. I want to be the smart, sexy, fun, crazy, carefree person that everyone admires. I like bragging, I like showing off, I like being better than others. Making mistakes and having flaws is humiliating, displaying them is not an option. They prove that i’m not that person, that I’m not any better than the next. I’m too proud, and i cling to my dignity. Taking responsibility for mistakes means that i’ve made them, and in my head that wounds my pride, somehow translates to not being worthy of respect. Im too pompous to face that. Too self-important to admit that i am flawed and own those mistakes. So I find ways to avoid them, to convince myself that they don’t exist. I’m afraid of my flaws.

How can that arrogance co-exist with the care that I feel towards others, the desire of well-being for everyone that enters my life? The deep wish that I truly enhance the people around me?  It can’t. So maybe there’s where the fantasy comes in. In order to have both, i need to create a different world, a different reality, a reality in which I’m better and less flawed than I really am. A reality where I’m not making mistakes, where I truly am better.

I’m also lazy. I’ve never honestly, consistently worked hard for anything in my life. I’m lucky, I came from a stable home, I’m intelligent, I’m decently good looking. I’ve never really known hardship, never had to fight for anything. Money was never at issue at home, I don’t know how it feels to be hungry, to be wanting. I wasn’t what i’d call spoiled, but I was privledged. School came easy to me, I never put in any effort in high school or barely in college. Understanding concepts was never a challenge for me. I was fairly good athlete, not outstanding, but I didn’t have to work very hard to keep up with everyone. All of this came easy to me, I never had to push myself to achieve any of it, it was never a challenge. I don’t appreciate hard work or perserverence, because i’ve never been forced to experience them. So when a challenge does present itself, I take the easy route, the just-good-enough route, instead of pushing myself to be my very best. I’ve learned laziness, and been content with my own mediocrity because it was always still ahead of my peers. I’ve let my luck lead to a sense of entitlement, of false self-importance and a belief that I don’t have to work hard at anything because I’m already good enough. With that mentality, I’ve believed that I am intelligent and skilled in all areas, all aspects of life, and that arrogance has really blinded me, especially in hiding my truly crappy emotional intelligence. But i can see the pattern. I’ve only ever dated people who i felt I could fix, who were i felt were obviously improved by my presence, people I felt should feel lucky to be with someone like me.

Sir, I’ve thanked you before for being the first/only person that’s pushed me to confront myself, to point out my flaws. But even in that statement, I’m discrediting other people in my life, I’m being arrogant and not seeing reality, I’m not taking responsibility for myself. I resist when people point out my flaws, I retreat into my fantasy. Other people have tried to help me see reality, tried to break through and help me see my flaws. I’ve rejected them, avoided these confrontations, and in doing so, driven people away. I’m sure I don’t even know how many times I’ve done so. I’ve refused to take constructive criticism from anyone and instead dismissed them, again skirting responsibility. And I’ve done it with you, so many times. I don’t know why you’re still here, still trying to push me, to help me. Why, after everything you know about me, after seeing my inflated pride, you’ve decided to stick around when i’ve driven away so many others. But thank you.